Keep'n It Real and Prayer.

I spent many years doing my own thing, following my own agenda and turning my back to God. He was always in the back of my mind, the seed was in my heart, but it had yet to flourish. It wasn't until the last handful of years that the seed really started to blossom and I got cozy with the Lord. Nobody wants to be a "jerk for Jesus." The schmuck that crams their faith down others' throats, effectively alienating the individual and shutting down any chance you truly had to show them what Christianity really means. But man, day after day I run into people and think "you are missing out." That being said, I am pledging to be more transparent. Take it or leave it, no judgment is meant by it. These are my thoughts, struggles and minor epiphanies. 

Prayer has always been a bit of a stumbling block for me. I use to worry that my words weren't eloquent enough, or I rambled, or that I even bored God. I also have a tendency to get sidetracked mid-thought. My stomach will grumble and I will think "what's for dinner," "have I changed the laundry" or "did I close the garage door?" I'm like a pigeon distracted by a drifting plastic bag. The funny thing is, there are no secrets with God. He knows what's in our heart, or what is running through our mind, before we are even able to piece it together ourselves. Why did I spend so much time worrying how He would receive my words? There are no pretenses, no need to impress with sentence structure or break out the thesaurus. No need to make small talk or catch him up on the background; He is right there with us all day, every day- fully caught up on the story line. It has been so liberating to "check in" with Him while in the car, while waiting in line at the DMV or when we get the oh-so-coveted quiet moment to ourselves. 

As for praying in front of others, I am still a 15 year old girl sweating profusely and dizzy, about to get up in front of the class and give a report on "The Effects of Minerals on Plant Growth." Baby steps :-)

Ask and Ye Shall Receive.

Five months ago I asked to be humbled. I asked God to rid us of the riff raff and static clouding our life. I wanted to live simpler, quieter, healthier. I asked Him to open our hearts and draw us closer to Him. I asked for Him to use us for His glory.

Fast-forward to March. We have to relocate in the next few months so I have started going through all of our things. Moving out of our last home was a whirlwind, and as such our items look as though they were packed by a gang of drunken monkeys. The disheveled boxes have been mostly untouched; stacked haphazardly in the basement of my parent's home. Each box is a strange journey back to what already feels like a different life. Back then I coveted every piece. Every vase, every chair, every throw pillow, I had to have. I poured over Pottery Barn catalogs and earned frequent flyer miles at the Restoration Hardware outlet. At night I cruised the Macys website and compiled a bloated closet full of clothing. But it was never enough; I was an insatiable consumer. Every item was an attempt to fill a void. We hated our jobs, rarely saw each other and were exhausted from the rat race.

Today when I remove items from the sea of boxes, I feel nearly nothing. The stuff that I couldn't live without has lost its grasp on me. I can't remember half of the things stashed away, and we haven't called upon them in the last three months so clearly we don't need them.

I am a different girl, or at least I'm starting to become one. Like an addict, stress drudges up the desire. Yesterday was a doosie. I got a flat tire, the sale contract on our land fell through, and I have been having a bear of a time finding a place for us to live in our New Home Town. Compound that with the fact that I haven't seen my hubby in over three weeks (the longest we have ever been apart) and I was jonseing for a high. I found myself at the outlet mall. My eyes widened at the sight of buttery leather purses, my nostrils flared at the smell of new shoes nestled neatly in their boxes and my fingers slid from item to item with the familiar sound of clanging wooden hangers. Red "clearance" stickers tugged at me like magnets. But you know what? The exorbitantly expensive bag that I walked around the store with for 15 minutes did not come home with me. If justifying things was a sport, I would be the national champion. "My current bag isn't big enough"..."my birthday is right around the corner"..."it is like half off!." In the end, driving home bagless, I felt great.

Fast-forward again to tonight. I have been growing more and more desperate as finding a rental property, let alone one that allows pets, in NHT is nearly impossible. The ones that do allow pets, wellllllll let's just say they are outside of my comfort zone and for some reason they ALL come furnished (circa 1970). To make matters worse the rent on any of these places is more than what we paid per month on our last mortgage. It stings. And the clock is ticking down. I can no longer drag my feet. I have been wrestling with this since Husband accepted the job. But tonight I had an epiphany. I asked to be humbled. I asked to live simpler. Apparently when I asked for these things, I was like a celebrity committing to a social cause in an interview; I said the words but meant them on my own terms. God knows better. We are embarking on an amazing, scary, stressful journey. We really need the least amount of complication, clutter and distraction surrounding us as possible. It is a dwelling to shelter us from the weather- it serves its purpose. End of story. As I said, I am a work in progress.