My family use to travel regularly when I was growing up and we spent one Christmas in Hawaii. For the most part it was an uneventful trip. We went snorkeling, sun bathed and fed fish in the king's fish pools. One day we spent on a secluded beach. I was body surfing in water up to my chest while my parents lay in the sand. Out of no where I was struck by a particularly large wave that nocked me over. If you have ever been body surfing you know that this isn't unusual. Normally you hold your breath, find the bottom with your feet and spring back above the water as the wave flattens out. But this time was different, when i tried the find the sandy bottom it wasn't there. I extended my feet but nothing met them. I had been caught by a strong current and was being tossed around under water like a rag doll. I opened my eyes but all i could see was murky water clouded by sand and my hair swirling around me wildly. I pushed out my limbs frantically to find something solid but i was being sucked into deeper water. I couldn't make out which way was up or down and I was being tumbled around like clothing in a washing machine. I panicked at the thought that there was no one around to help me and the realization that I was powerless against the ocean. After what felt like a lifetime the current released me and I was able to find the surface. I swam to shallower water, stood there for several minutes and gasped for air as my heart pounded deep in my chest. This was the first time I was ever faced with my own mortality. Had I been smashed into a rock, or held under water for much longer I would have died.
That experience is the only way I know how to describe what my life has felt like for the last three months. I feel blindsided. I feel like the solid footing I had has been ripped away and I am frantically grasping to find something steady to hold onto. I feel helpless. But, I am also aware that these things are out of my control. I could have died that day, but it wasn't in God's plan for me. Even though I am terrified, and feel completely disoriented right now I know God still has a plan for me.
We had a really good weekend. It actually far surpassed my expectations, but I am afraid to get too excited. Afraid that I am still swirling around under water, getting sucked out further into the ocean and it will be a long time before my feet find sand again.
-M
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