Daydreaming.

I picked husband up from the airport yesterday afternoon and as we drove home we daydreamed. I loathe the fact that we are in a precarious position of uncertainty. I am a list maker, a task checker-offer, and planner. The fact that I can't tell you (or myself) where we will be in a year is like a paper cut on my core. But what we can do is daydream. Though we may not be able to point at a map and say "there!" we can agree on what our new place is like. We want to move to a smaller area, somewhere cozier and slower paced. Somewhere less materialistic, more humble and less keeping-up-with-the-Jonses. We want to move somewhere closer to raw nature that doesn't have rush hour. I realize this is a tall order, but let me explain. We started our "Year of Change" 3-4 months ago (depending on where you count the beginning). The main driving force was the desire to spend more time together and less time trapped in an office. We lived in a suburb for two years and recently realized we knew the names of 2 neighbors (not counting the ones we nicknamed). Not for lack of social skills, but for lack of time to invest in relationships. We also only saw each other on the weekends when we were exhausted from the week and still taking work phone calls and checking email. I am still recovering from literal smart phone separation anxiety. It sounds funny, but i use to feel incredibly unsettled when I didn't have my phone near by for fear that my office would contact me with an emergency and I would not be able to answer. Husband made himself available to his clients 24 hours a day, a fact that I respected but resented. It never ended, and it became apparent that we were not living our life to what we deem is the fullest for us. 

Enter "The Plan." We sold our house, quit our jobs and are perusing careers we are more passionate about. My theme song lately has been Toby Mac's "Lose My Soul." It is based off the verse "For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" Matt 16:26. It is the perfect pick-me-up when things start to seem overwhelming, scary or I long for the safety of what we had. At the end of the day I remind myself that the designer purses in my closet that I coveted, my husbands clothing collection that would rival Barney Stinson's, or the ability to drive through Starbucks on a whim, are not what we will remember when He calls us home. The place where we were was also not a place where we wanted to raise our children. 

This week was particularly hard for me. I have been feeling physically sick with anxiety. My palms have been permanently clammy and my mind is unable to focus. I snap at those within a 20 foot radius of me. But it if for a purpose. I daydream that in a year we will look back on these months with peace and say

"it was all worth it."